After reading some rather negative publicity about men and childcare during the Corona crisis, I realized that sexism cuts both ways—and I felt the need to share a different side of the story. While this is a highly personal perspective from within our own family, I don’t think my husband, John, is an exception. If we truly live in a world where men are routinely dismissed as incompetent or indifferent fathers, then I am incredibly lucky to have found the ultimate “super husband” and daddy.

The Double Standard of Gender-Based Humour

I have no issue with standard “Men Are from Mars” jokes. Men and women are naturally different, possessing distinct strengths that often complement one another. Joking about these differences is harmless fun, provided everyone recognizes the exaggeration.

For instance, a friend recently shared a video depicting a world where women went on strike. It was hilarious: businessmen in suits panicking at daycare pickup, men holding crying babies in sheer confusion, and total chaos at home. It was pure sarcasm, and I laughed. Of course, there is a massive difference between laughing at a scripted comedy sketch and letting those same stereotypes dictate how we judge real fathers in everyday life.

Yet, this humor never seems to work both ways; feminists would instantly label the reverse as sexism. But if we accept that sexism cuts both ways, why do we celebrate comedy that ridicules men as incompetent fathers, but find ourselves outraged by equally clichéd jokes about a woman’s driving or mechanical skills?

Marriage is Not a Competition

What I have noticed—especially during the Corona crisis—is how often it becomes “men against women”, ignoring the reality that sexism cuts both ways and hurts both sides. It is as if life has become a competition that has to be won by one side. What happened to being partners? Why aren’t we making use of what we both bring to the table and working as a team, rather than finger-pointing and attacking each other’s flaws?

I am not saying that we never have these “gender-based” arguments at home. Who is more tired? How many hours did I look after the kids this weekend versus how many hours did John? Who deserves a break more? We absolutely argue about these things because it can be tough. Looking after two small children 24/7 inside your own four walls while working from home is an extraordinary challenge that grew exponentially during the pandemic.

However, once our tempers cool down after these confrontations, we remind ourselves that no one gains anything from “winning” an argument in a marriage. (Well, except for perhaps an extra half-hour of sleep, at the cost of giving each other the silent treatment.) We have agreements that we tend to stick to. If we can’t for one reason or another, we try to compromise and readjust. Above all, we know that we are on the same side, not locked in some strange pseudo-battle between male and female.

The Invisible Weight of Both Roles

One of our most important standing agreements is how we split our roles at home. My main responsibility is to look after the children and manage the household, while John is the sole breadwinner. We both carry a heavy load, yet for some reason, society rarely seems to view either role as a significant contribution.

For instance, the negative media coverage during the Corona crisis often claimed that women were the ultimate losers of the pandemic because they had to stay home with the children while men continued working as usual. But no one seems to consider the immense financial pressure resting on a husband’s shoulders during a crisis, or the fact that the mother gets to spend more precious time with her children.

While this arrangement might not have been the mother’s first choice, it isn’t necessarily what the father wanted either. He is not always following his preferred career path and fulfilling himself, but simply earning money. Staying at home is not being the “loser” by default. With a slightly adjusted perspective, it can be the “winner” in so many ways.

However, I wanted to get away from talking about winners and losers in a marriage. Let’s just say both partners carry an immense, often invisible weight, being made even harder by society’s short-sighted, generalised judgment and denying sexism cuts both ways.

Escaping the Daily Routine

Of course, there are days when I can’t wait getting away from the children and retreating to do some desk work. John, on the other hand, often can’t wait to log off at night just to roll around on the floor with the little ones.

Does this mean we envy each other all the time? Is that what fuels this constant, merciless battle between the sexes? The truth is, neither working a full-time job from an office nor managing a home with kids is non-stop paradise. But John and I chose our respective roles for a reason. Recognizing the challenges of both paths is precisely why we enjoy stepping into each other’s shoes for an occasional break. Crucially, taking a temporary breather doesn’t mean we are questioning our entire system.

Fulfillment Beyond the Paycheck

After a grueling day, rather than arguing over who got the short end of the stick, we try to show each other appreciation for what we have accomplished—John in his role, and I in mine. I strongly disagree with the modern assumption that a corporate, paid job is inherently more fulfilling. While our children show me love and appreciation almost every day, John might look for that same validation in vain at the office, despite all his hard work.

When it comes to which job carries more profound meaning, caregiving holds an undeniable advantage. The ultimate purpose of my day—our children—adds a level of fulfillment to my life that corporate tasks simply cannot replicate for John. Yet, we are deeply aware of the balance required to make this work. We could never sustain our family dynamic without John’s long hours and his salary, which provides the vital financial foundation that allows me to be home in the first place.

Stronger Together Than Apart

There is no doubt about it: it takes both of us working as a team to make everything function. Rather than solely striving for isolated personal happiness or individual self-fulfillment, we believe that embracing our responsibilities and actively contributing our part is the true key to a content family life in the long run. Real happiness and true fulfillment naturally follow when we work toward a shared vision.

Beyond that, there is no scoreboard or competition in our home to see who works harder. If one of us slacks off, the other must carry the extra load, or things quickly begin to slip. We are not ashamed to admit that we depend on one another. Our marriage and our family simply would not work if we were just two separate individuals constantly fighting to realize our own independent goals.

Marriage as a Base Camp

Navigating the Corona crisis has required an immense amount of readjustment. Even though our traditional division of labor made it easier for us to adapt quickly to childminding and working from home, we simply weren’t prepared to master it all on our own, entirely cut off from the support of family and friends.

Naturally, we have our moments when we are absolutely sick and tired of the situation and frustrated by each other’s constant company. We had a disagreement recently that we failed to resolve before going to bed. The next morning, we both agreed that we hated that lingering tension and committed to handling things differently moving forward. We will undoubtedly argue again, but we made a pact never to let those disagreements drag into the next day.

There is really no point. We know we are on the same page and fully aligned on the big stuff; otherwise, we wouldn’t have married in the first place. When we clash, it is almost always over minor, day-to-day trivialities compounded by exhaustion or feeling completely overwhelmed. At the end of the day, we know that our marriage is our base camp—the one safe space where we can both recharge our batteries.